apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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