she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
