they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
