My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
