this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
