thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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