people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
