Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
