I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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