Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
