I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
