She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
