the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
