He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
