I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
