I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
