I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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