ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
