We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
