So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
