Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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