how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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