I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
