If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
