my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
