what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
