cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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