The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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