Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night