John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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he fucked my hip out of place.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.