Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
