I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
