you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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