new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
