I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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