I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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