Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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