i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
