he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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