Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
someone owes me an orgasm
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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