I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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