I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
