I think scott just propositioned me for sex
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
