I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
