I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
