so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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