YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
