dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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