I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
