Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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