You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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