Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
