I faked an abortion last night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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