I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
