I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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