is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
