doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
