Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
