You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
